korafox: (melancholia)
Have not been around much lately!  Sorry.  I wrapped up a few art projects in the last two weeks and have kind of been decompressing from creative work while I figure out what I want to do next.

Also work is being a bear crouched over my mental health and I don't think it's going to get any better for the next six weeks or so.  Without getting into details, I am trying to correct a pretty major problem that is 90% other people's oversight (I think I hope).  Besides the massive amount of time, effort, and detail juggling this is going to take, now my brain is internalizing the situation as My Fault and proof that I Am Doing It Wrong and this is rightfully going to reflect poorly on me in everyone's eyes.  *le sigh*

But hey, on the bright side, I am going to be moved up to full-time starting next month!  (Yay bennies!)  So at least if this is not fixed by August 1st I will have more hours in the day to work on it.  Oh gods, it had better be sorted out by then, though.

So yes, I am in holding pattern/mental health turtle position right now.  I will try my best to resurface before mid-September.
korafox: wheat field with cypresses (Default)
If I had an entrepreneurial spirit (I do not), I would start a chain of haircut places.  Unlike every other haircut place in existence, there would be no talking allowed other than to communicate hairstyle information.  No forced chitchat whatsoever--you could just sit there and enjoy the sensations of having your hair worked on without feeling like you are failing at being human or the stylist feeling like they are failing to engage you. 

There would be a clearly marked, spacious place in front of you to put your bag instead of having to choose between 1) coat rack right by the front door where you can't see it, 2) on the floor with all the hair (blech), 3) on the counter in front of the mirror (won't work, mine is too big and the stylist has their stuff there), or 4) throw it in the trunk of your car before you leave for the salon so that no one sees you leave it unattended in your vehicle.

Also everyone would be paid a good living wage and because of that there would be no tipping allowed, either, so that you don't have to freak out over whether you are tipping way more than or way less than you should. 

So yes, this haircut chain would cater to those of us who hate negotiating the social aspects of salons.  I guarantee there are stylists out there too who would enjoy the prospect of getting to work on people's hair in silence and really focus on it. 

And in my fantasy world this salon would be called the Awkward Turtle and it would be the best ever.
korafox: wheat field with cypresses (Default)
On reflection, a bout of acute social anxiety/awkward is probably not the best time to go try to in-person talk to my House rep, but it can't be helped.  Like a unicorn, he appears out of the mists for a full hour and fifteen minutes of talking to his constituents tomorrow, and I can't in good conscience not show up at his office.  He almost certainly scheduled it for mid-afternoon so that people with full-time jobs couldn't go, so I need to take advantage of being part-time while I can and stick up for everyone.

Who knows, maybe I will get in to see him because I won't be shaking a placard (no time/energy/ability to come up with pithy sayings).  Maybe I will roll a 20 on my persuasion check and he will roll a 1 to oppose.  Maybe he will fall to his knees and weep for the betrayal of the public trust and simple decent morality that has been his continued support of the AHCA.

No, it will probably not happen,  But I have to carry myself like it is possible.

korafox: (kilian)
It is the end of the work week, and ye gods I need the weekend.  Today I have felt like the Most Awkward Turtle ever.  Working a front desk makes it difficult to turn off the part of my brain that desperately flings chipperness at people, even when I would rather be chill.

Blerg.  Too much expectations of other people weighing on me.  At least the weather is going to be dismal this weekend, so I will have a good excuse to crawl into a blanket ball and not come out for a couple days.
korafox: (melancholia)
Trying to ward off new-job-starts-tomorrow terror by working on a long overdue interlude.   (hi everyone my jerkbrain says I'm totally going to screw everything up gods why can it not shut up even for a day I am the most awkward turtle ever)

I did not realize I was going to be writing from Nefin's POV until I sat down to start this.  Can I just say he is so much fun, and I really hope I'm doing this right?  Yayboo for NPCs. 

Finally, my cat is being so ridiculously snuggly with the weather cold and us back from the holiday.  Right now she is cuddled up on my tummy with her face shoved into the crook of my elbow.  I think she might actually be asleep, which given how neurotic my cat is, is pretty impressive.

She's a perfect match for me.

korafox: Magician (magician)
We had a new furnace and a/c installed today, which overall is a relief to finally have done.  It was also a marathon of stress and anxiety because I have no idea how to deal with contractors and was on edge all day waiting for something to go wrong or needing to decide on something about which I know nothing.  Also I am the most awkward person in existence and the only reason I'm not imploding into a little ball of shame right now is because I have convinced myself I will never see those technicians ever again.

On the plus side, hiding in my studio let me work on Noema cards for a ridiculous 5(!) total hours today, finishing the Empress line art and making significant inroads on the Tower, which is thankfully not taking nearly as long.  So even though my brain is telling me "keep working; there are still more hours in the day", I can pretty effectively (exhaustedly) tell it to go f**k itself. 

Now I am going to watch Monday Night Football (I need 16 points from the Denver kicker and Lamar Miller for a win; I will be so embarrassed to lose to a 0-6 team otherwise), and read more of The Fifth Season.  On my new Kindle Paperwhite, both of which were birthday gifts from my parents, yey.
korafox: (lilacs)
Yup, this sounds about right. Via  [personal profile] grammarwoman, according to http://www.thebookoflife.org/self-knowledge-questionnaire/ , three important traits in my personality are:

You like clarity and intelligent simplicity and you get frustrated at messy thinking. This can make you seem unreasonably pushy to some, but it is actually a virtue: you are motivated by a horror at pointless effort and a longing for precision and insight into how things and people work. Your ability to synthesise and bring order is essential in producing thinking which is truly helpful.

Part of you is gripped by the fear that you’ll launch into something and completely mess it up. The upside of this is wise caution: people are indeed often too rash, whereas you know, by instinct, that holding back can save you. Probably, you feel shame and self-disgust a bit too much. But when you do feel in your element, you act with a wisdom and sensitivity never found in people with thicker skins.

You love it when everything is neat and tidy: when there is a proper way of doing things, and you can tick things off the to-do list and know where everything is. So others, at times, are to you unbearably sloppy and messy. And you run into things that can’t be ordered (a child, a partner, a colleague at work) which drives you slightly nuts. But your desire for order is a good one when it is focussed where it is needed and when you’re okay with a bit of mess.

Yet another reason why I am not planning on being a parent. These are not exactly compatible personality traits. : P


Sep. 16th, 2015 07:34 am
korafox: wheat field with cypresses (Default)
Oh, Robot Hugs, how do you keep perfectly describing my brain?  It's almost like there are other people out there dealing with the same mental bullshit or something!
korafox: (melancholia)
Does anyone else ever dissociate from their own name?  Like, today at work someone called me by name and I had a moment of, "Huh?  Oh right, I guess that's my name, isn't it." 

Considering how strongly I felt about not changing my name when I got married, you would think this is a little weird.  But it happens every so often--feeling like my name just doesn't fit me. 

Maybe the disconnect comes from some sort of impostor syndrome thing.  Inasmuch as other people have this mental construct of me that they label *myname*, but if they ONLY KNEW what I really was, etc. etc., and so I know that other people using my name are using the wrong signified.  And it's not like I lay a lot of mental counterexamples by talking about myself in the third person.  (No, I'm not going to start.)

Gah, brains.
korafox: Magician (magician)
The next time you're bursting with energy to the point that you have ALL THE FEELS and absolutely zero ability to focus, apply pencil to hand.  Pencils contain graphite, and scientific studies have shown that graphite is 40% focus.  You'll be surprised at what you can accompli-  Oh hells somehow it became 8:30 and I forgot to make dinner.
korafox: (melancholia)
There are definitely plenty of productive things I could do with my morning.  Write, start hitting the wiki to document the lives I came up with yesterday, or gods forbid put some more time in on the Noema.

Instead I am booting up my art computer in order to go back to square 1(.5) on a piece that has nothing to do with anything but my feels.  Why!  I mean, even when I finish it, husband is going to basically have to sneak onto my computer and post it himself because I am too damned embarrassed to admit that I ship this pairing so hard (seriously guys, so hard). 

Not even kidding, it took a game of 20 questions to tell my own dear husband who those characters were after he looked over and asked what I was drawing.

*flails incoherently*

*gets to work, dammit*

September 2017



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